What if...?

How do you tell the person you love of your biggest fears? How can you tell your soldier of your fears when you know that what they need most right now is to focus on their job? How do you ask them to add you to that piece of paper that makes the military contact you if they become a “casualty”? The answer should be as simple as just saying the words; just coming out and saying “Baby, please add me to your DD93.” Unfortunately, the answer isn’t that easy. Because nobody wants to talk about that. Nobody wants to come out and say “I’m scared you’re not going to come back to me.” Nobody, not you, and not your soldier, wants to say the words “What if…?” Because the “what if” is the scariest part of the deployment.

“What if…?” can be the two scariest words in the English language when they are put together, side by side. What if… There are so many “what if”’s in our lives. “What if…” is terrifying, not because of what follows those two words, but because of the fact that they represent the unknown. Nobody really knows the answers to all of those “what if” questions. What if he gets shot? What if he doesn’t come home? What if he sees something that changes him forever? What if he’s not the same person when he comes home that he was when he left? What if he changes his mind about your relationship while he’s gone?

Lots of “what if”’s there, and that’s not even half of them. The soldier has his own “what if”’s. What if she’s not faithful? What if she decides she can’t wait for him to come home? What if she can’t handle the stress and fear of what could happen to him? What if, what if, what if.

We all play the “What if..?” game more often than we should. We’re also all far more afraid of the unknown than we are of the known. We know that things could happen, and that’s what scares us. What could happen, not what will happen.

Of course, we always play the “What if..?” game with the most negative scenarios. We never think about the positive “What if…”’s. We never think about “What if he really loves me?”, or “What if she’s there waiting?” We never think about the positive outcomes that could happen. Our minds always automatically go to the worst case scenario. So I have to wonder, what if. What if we started looking at the positive outcomes? What if we started thinking about the happy “what if”’s? Would our outlook on the world be a little different? Would we make it through deployments just a little easier? Would we not be quite so afraid?

When it comes to the military and deployments, what it is we are most afraid of is not the known, but the unknown. Really, that is the case with life in general, but with those of us who are connected to the military, whether you are enlisted yourself, or you are the loved one of someone who is enlisted, this is a far greater reality. It is never the known that causes us to wake at night in a cold sweat, barely able to breath. It’s not the fact that our loved one is sleeping in a tent in the desert. It’s the idea that they might be attacked while they are sleeping in that tent. It’s not the fact that they are in foreign country doing their job. It’s the idea that they might be surrounded by insurgents in that foreign country, just waiting for them to let their guard down for a moment.

How do we, as the girlfriends, the fiancees, the wives, or just the friends and families, of these soldiers cope with that fear of the unknown? All we can do is keep ourselves busy, and keep faith that our soldiers know what they are doing. All we can do is have faith that their training really was enough, that they’ll know when to duck, or that they’ll bob and not weave at just the right time. It isn’t an easy thing to do, but we can’t let our soldiers know the extent of our fear for them. When they know the full extent of that fear, then they worry more about us worrying about them than they do about doing their job, and that worry can get them killed. Or so I’ve been told.

So hold your heads up, dear readers. Put on a happy face, because that’s what your soldier needs you to do. That is what I will have to do. I will have to hold my head up, and put on a brave face. I will have to only let my soldier see my pride, and perhaps only a fraction of the fear. After all, I don’t want him to think I don’t care at all, because I care more than he can possibly know. I cannot let him see that it is fear that keeps me awake at night. I cannot let him see that it is my missing him that keeps me from sleeping. All I can do is take care of myself, so that he is not worried about me while he should be worrying about his job.

Remember, dear readers, that fear of the unknown does nothing but keep us awake at night. Playing the “what if” game does nothing to help, it only harms. So while we are afraid of the unknown, we must do what we can to squash that fear. We must get past the negative “what if”’s, and try to see the positive ones.

And now for something completely different.

I live in an army town.  I come from a military family.  My dearest friends are or have been military.  My siblings, my parents, my uncles are or have been in the military.  My boyfriend is in the military.  These are all facts.  Here is another fact:  I am proud of every single one of them.  I stand behind my soldier boyfriend, my airmen brothers, and every soldier, sailor, marine, and airman in my family, blood or chosen.

 Recently, the high court ruled in favor of Westboro Church, stating that it was okay for them to continue to protest at the funerals of fallen warriors.  I understand that our country was built on free speech.  What I don't understand is how people can use that right to protest at the funerals of the very men and women who died protecting their right to do so.  I do not understand how someone can carry so much hate and ignorance in their heart.  It is my true hope that one day these people will open their eyes, that one day, perhaps, they will see the immense pain they have caused the families of these fallen warriors who have already suffered so much.

The people of Westboro Church say that soldiers are dieing because God hates homosexuality, and is punishing America and Americans for our stance on that matter.  What they don't realize, is that soldiers are dieing to protect their right to spew that hateful speech.  What they don't realize is that my soldier is going to be going over there to protect their right to spread hate.  

Today I will celebrate one month with the most amazing person to have ever entered my life.  We have not been able to be glued at the hip like so many couples I see, but we don't have to be, either.  Fievel and I do not have to be constantly together, face to face, touching, to know that we care about each other; that we love each other.  Do we spend each possible moment together?  Well, yes, we do in one way or another, even if that is simply texting, or talking via Facebook.  Soon enough he will be gone to the desert, and I will be here waiting for him.  

In approximately a month, my soldier and I will be dealing with true separation.  So while my friends are getting angry because their boyfriend hasn't texted them in an hour, I will be crying tears of joy when I get a one line email saying he's okay.  While my friends are out drinking and dancing with their men, I will be at home, hoping for a skype call that will lose its connection every five minutes, and I will hold onto that call for a week, or two weeks, or however long it will be until the next one.  

I have never dealt with the deployment of a significant other, but I will handle it.  I will be strong for my soldier, because he needs me to be.  He needs to know that I'm going to be here at home, taking care of myself, and doing what I need to do while he's over there doing what he needs to do.  He doesn't need to be worrying about me worrying about him.  I will cherish the time we have together, and I will hold onto each kiss, each hug, each "I love you", because that is my duty as an Army girlfriend.  

I have always had friends and family who've said that I am "something else".  What I didn't realize is that I really am.  I am a whole different breed of woman.  I am the breed of woman who sleeps with her phone at night, hoping for a phone call, and dreading one at the same time.  I am the breed of woman who stands beside her friends, and is the crying shoulder when her fellow military spouses and significant others need someone to vent to.  

You see, while the people of Westboro Church are protesting at the funerals of fallen heroes, my fellow military girlfriends, fiances, wives, and me are making sure that our heroes know that they are our heroes.  

I will never truly have the words to express the pride that I feel whenever I see my amazing boyfriend in his uniform, or hear him talking about his work.  I will never truly be able to tell him how proud of him I am every single day.  The same goes for my brothers, who are serving now.  And I will never have the words to express how proud I am of my sister, my parents, my uncles, and my friends I am for serving, past or present.  There are no words, there are only actions.

I'm going to end this rambling post with a few quotes I've found:

My hero doesn't wear a cape, or tights, or have super powers, and he can't lift cars.  But he fights to defend this country, and that's good enough for me.

Why do I do it?  Because nights alone aren't permanent.  Missing him reminds me that I am lucky to have someone to miss, because I am not afraid to make sacrifices for true love.

A soldier doesn't fight because he hates what is in front of him.  A soldier fights because he loves what he left behind.

One week later

So, life has been... interesting the past couple of weeks. D and I broke up after a very nasty fight, as I wasn't about to stick around for yet another unhealthy relationship. Everyone in my life agrees that I did the right thing, so the breakup was for the best there.

When I left, I moved in with some friends who have quickly become like big brothers to me. One of them has a girlfriend with whom he is opening a bar/custom bike shop. They didn't have a web designer or anyone to do graphics, and guess what I have 10 years experience doing? You got it! Not having a degree, however, it's almost impossible for me to find work doing what I love to do. After having seen some of the things I've done, some of the sites that I currently have out there, S and J decided to hire me as their web/graphic designer/IT guru/internet marketer/administrative assistant, and when the bar opens I'll also be a bartender/waitress. Sounds like a lot, right? It is, but you'll understand in just a moment why I don't mind.

I went back on the dating site that I met D on just to see if anyone new was on there. While logged on, I received a message from someone who ended up really making me smile with their message, because it was just so dorky and sweet that I couldn't help but giggle. I happened to be at work one night (while working at another bar as a waitress), when I got another message from him, so I gave him my number and asked him to text me. We texted back and forth for about a week until last Saturday. Fievel finally came over, and our first date was making muffins. NOW! Here's where the above massive work overload comes into play.

Fievel is a soldier. The long and short of his job is he's a tanker. He's been in for eight years already, and has at least three more left on his current contract. Okay, I live in an army town, so dating a soldier is not unusual. The issue? Fievel is deploying in April. He will be gone for a year, maybe more, maybe less. We don't have any exact dates yet, and probably won't until a week or two before he leaves. Working at the bar will allow me to keep busy, and also allow me time to talk to him.

The first weekend that we spent together was fantastic, fabulous, amazing. It was full of laughter, dorkiness, and lots of good times. He brought me a graphic novel called Squee! after realizing that "squee" is one of my favourite words, and then loaned me his copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy compilation. Yes, I squee'd, yes, I'm a geek, yes it made me melt. Have you ever met someone and just clicked? Yeah, that happened this past week and all my friends have seen it.

That's all the good stuff. Now the other thing that's had me quiet. I've kind of been withdrawn the past couple of weeks from almost everyone, save for the ones who have forced me to not be. I found out about two and a half weeks ago that one of my dear dear friends in Louisville was in a coma. Q was one of those people who always had a smile, a joke, and a hug, no matter how bad things were. She always had a shoulder and an ear for anyone, stranger or friend. She loved birds, and volunteered at the Kentucky Raptor Rescue. She got pneumonia so bad that she had a fever over 104 for well over a week. On Monday, the fever dropped enough that the doctors felt comfortable trying to remove the ventilator. Unfortunately, Q was not able to breath on her own, and she passed away at approximately 8:30pm EST on the 7th. Q's death has hit me hard, and made this week a very difficult one.

So there you have it. That is why I've been so quiet lately, and that is the update on my life. I've gained some amazing friends in the past month, met a guy who is just as amazing (even if he is being stubborn about not letting me see him weak right now, as he's come down with the same gunk that everyone else has had), and lost a very dear friend, all in one week.

When love is not madness, it is not love.

Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.  ~Robert Heinlein

 I'd like to contemplate love this month.  It seems that matters of the heart have been the main focus of my entries since the beginning of the month, so I think I'm going to stick with that theme.  There are so many fantastic quotes regarding love, so many books, movies, and poems written for the soul purpose of showcasing this incredible emotion.  Then again, love is also a state of being.  To be in love.  

I have been told many times that you can't help who you fall in love with.  Perhaps that is the case.  You can't help what the heart wants.  You can't help it if you fall in love with the one person you'll never have.  What you can help is how you handle it.  Just because you fall in love with someone, doesn't mean you have to be with them, or that you'll be in love with them forever.  The fact of the matter is, the number of people who marry their first love is so small, it might as well be almost non-existent.  

When love is not madness, it is not love.  ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca This quote is probably, if not my favourite quote regarding love, very high up on the list.  When you are in love with someone, don't you say "I'm madly in love with you." Or "He's madly in love with her," or "She's head over heels for him."  Love and madness walk hand in hand.  No one ever said crazy had to be a bad thing, or that madness was always negative.  

There are nights, like tonight, that I sit up contemplating the matters of the heart.  Contemplating all the times I've been in love, truly in love.  For you see, I do not believe you can ever completely fall out of love with someone.  I believe you always carry a piece of them in your heart, if you were truly in love with them in first place.  Of course, many people will not agree with that statement, or will say I'm crazy for believing that.  Some know quite a bit of my story and could not possibly believe that I hold a place in my heart for each of the men I've been in love with.  "They hurt you!" I hear you screaming.  Perhaps they did.  But there was a reason I fell in love with each of them, and I will always remember, and hold that piece of them in my heart.


So, for this, the month of Valentine's, as we begin to welcome the season of rebirth, I will be talking about matters of the heart.  This may simply be a poem here or there, or an essay.  It may be a song I've found that particularly touched me, or a video that describes how I feel about someone.  It may be a story from my past, or one from my present.  But this month, each post will have something to do with that all powerful emotion, that state of being that gives us hope and a reason to get out of bed each morning.  Perhaps as you read them, you will turn to your lover and smile knowingly, as it brings back a special memory for the two of you.  Perhaps you will cry, as you remember a time that you'd been hurt by the thorns that stud the rose of love.  Or, perhaps, you will read, your heart quickening with hope as you remember that you, too, deserve that beautiful feeling of being in love, and that there is someone out there, just waiting for you to find them.

It's time to get real.

Alright darlin', it's time to be real.  I'm a little bit tipsy, and feeling like being straight out and honest.  I'm sleeping on the pull out bed tonight, again, because I refuse to be just a warm body in the bed.  I'm not going to be the person you run to because she decides she doesn't want you.  I'm not going to be your consolation prize.  If you want to be with me, be with me.  If you want me because you want me, show me.  Otherwise, no matter how good of a guy you are, I'm not going to be your consolation prize just because she's decided it's time to push you away again.

I know you love her, but I wish you'd realize she isn't capable of loving you.  I know it hurts.  I know it's not fair.  But baby, life's just not fair.  You deserve better than that.  You deserve someone who's going to love you for the amazing person you are; someone who appreciates you for the awesome guy you are.  You deserve to be loved, not used.  I wish you'd see what she's doing, like the rest of us do.  We all know what she's doing, you're the only one who doesn't see it.  You're the only one who doesn't see that she's only coming back to you when she wants something.  

You could have so much better.  You could be so good for me, and I could be good for you.  What you don't realize, is that I'm not going to wait around forever.  Do I realize you need time?  Sure, we all do after something like this.  Hell, I probably need time.  But I'm not going to wait around forever for you to realize what you want.  You said the other night wasn't a mistake, so prove it.  Show me that it wasn't a mistake, cause in the past couple of days, you haven't shown me that.  All you've shown me thus far is that you were lonely, and wanted someone in your bed.  All you've shown me so far is I'm just that warm body.

Maybe you're scared of being hurt again, but guess what.  I'm not her.  I'm not the other.  I'm not anyone you've ever been with before.  I'm me, and I'm different.  I'm honest to a fault, and will give myself completely, if you'd only accept it.  If you'd accept me for me, and not for who you want me to be.  You can't want me to be someone else, because I'm not.  But if you can accept me for me, than I can be good for you.  You can be just as good for me, but you have to let me be the person you need.  You have to let me in, let me care about you, and let yourself care about me.

It's time to be real, baby.  What's real right now is that I'm not in your bed with you because I won't be the consolation prize.  I won't be the "sometimes girlfriend".  I won't be the warm body in your bed when you're lonely.  It's time for you to be real with yourself, baby, and realize that she's using you.  When you do, and you realize what you want, maybe then you'll see that I'm right.  That we're all right.  We only want what's best for you.  I want what's best for both of us.  

It's time to be real, baby.  She's using you.   I would never use you.  You want me?  Show me.  You want me?  Prove it.  Words don't mean anything to me.  It's not about what you say, it's about what you do.  So it's time to get real baby.  You want me, show me everyday.  You want me?  Tell her to go to hell.  You want me?  Be real about it, don't treat me like a warm body, don't treat me like a consolation prize.  You want me?  Show me you want me.  Be real with me.  

It's time to get real, baby.  Time to grow up, time to decide.  I won't wait forever.

When life goes pear shaped

It's really been that week.  I'm sure you, my dear readers, know the week that I'm talking about.  The one that never quits, and really just makes you want to.  The week that makes you want to curl up under a blanket, hide from the world, and never come out.  

"But it's only Tuesday!" I hear you all crying.  I don't just mean this week.  I mean the past seven days.  For seven days straight, I have not had a single day where something has not gone completely pear shaped.  First things with D, then things in the new place, and now my friend up north is so very very sick.  I'm really not sure how much more I can handle.  Every night before bed, I've talked to Brigid, begging her for help, begging her to make things better.  Begging her for just 24 hours of simple quiet.

To add to all of it, the wonderful confusion caused by my heart going haywire.  It really isn't fair, you know.  I really do know better, and still I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Well, I wear it on my sleeve for some.  Some are simply oblivious.  Or perhaps they are too scared to see what is right in front of them.  Either way, I've put myself out there, only to watch what I feared was going to happen, happen.  Yes, dear readers, I know it seems like I've been harping on the same thing for the past few posts, but what can I say?  It's really been weighing heavily on my mind and my heart.  

Readers, have you ever met someone, and in the instant you met them, trusted them completely?  Known, in that moment, in your heart of hearts, that the person would never intentionally hurt you?  Have you ever met someone and just clicked, and known that you were safe with that person?  And have you, dear readers, at the same time, in the very back of your head, heard that tiny voice screaming, "Don't do it!  You'll get hurt!  You'll just be a consolation prize again!"?  

So here I sit, dear readers, watching my life go pear shaped again.  Watching my friends get hurt, or sick.  Watching the person I know would never intentionally hurt me, that I could trust with my life, walk back into something that is only going to hurt him again.  Here I sit, watching the world turn upside down, inside out, purple poka-dotted and freaking pear shaped.  That's right, readers. Pear shaped.

I really should know better

I really should know better, you know?  I mean, I know better than to get involved with someone who's got as much, if not more baggage, as I do.  Really, I know better.  Yes, you're a good guy.  Yes, you're an amazingly loving, sweet, good natured, big hearted guy.  Gods you're probably everything I've been looking for for a really long time.  If that's the case, though, why am I hurting so much right now?  Oh, right, because exactly what I was afraid of happening, is happening.  You swore it wouldn't, but it is.  

Why do I continue to bother?  Why do I continue to hope that I'm not going to get hurt?  Why do I put my feelings out there, put my hand out, and keep my heart pinned to my sleeve?  I really do know better.  I swear I really do.  So why do I keep doing it?  Why do I let myself care about you?  Why do I keep looking at you and hoping that maybe, just maybe, my fears aren't going to happen.  I know you don't really care about me.  I know that you only see me as a warm body in your bed until you can get the person you really want.  So why do I hope?